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| It's a peice of scat, there's no doubt about that! |
Hello, Spongy here. And Welcome to Toon’d out month!
As we’ve discussed in the past, Hollywood has no imagination. So thus, they just base movie off other things. We have looked some of these films before. And I’ve noticed we’ve looked at two live action adaptations’ in the past.
And since there’s quite a few them, and people like when I review these, I got an idea.
Why not just blow all the live action cartoon films out in one month?
So thus we have Toon’d out month, where we look at the “best” and worst of live action adaptations.
So let’s talk about the one today’s offering is based on!
Ahem…
Dr Suess is one the most well-known writers in history.
Why he’s so awesome, is a mystery.
Okay, not really. It’s due to his master rhyming skills
His masterful rhymes will give you chills.
His books have been read for many years.
These are tales we hold so dear
So because Hollywood’s brain is the size of gnat,
They made a film out of cat in the hat.
Okay, I’m not going to do the rhyming thing this whole time. I will however, review a movie.
Now, I know the movie is based on a book…but the book had a cartoon which is just as well known, so it counts!
The main reason this film was made, was due to the success of the Grinch movie. I reviewed that movie last December, and I thought it was good.
So is this movie a fun, faithful, ada- Okay sorry I can’t say that with a straight face. Let’s just get started.
This, is The Cat in The Hat
We start with a cool sues-ified version of the Universeal and Dreamworks logo’s. I mention this because it may be the best part of the movie.
Our actual film begins with a rhyming narrator, who says nothing I can quote. We’re in the town of whogivesashit-ville, which is…really bright and overly-colorful.
This is a nitpick, but I don’t understand this. As far as I know, the book took place in a normal town. So there’s no need to brighten it up. With the Grinch I got it, since it was whovile. But this is a normal city. It’s a nitpick to be honest, but still, it bugs me.
We cut to this place where the mom of the kids from the book work. I choose not to make the she’s nice joke out of respect for you.
Her boss, Mr Humberfloob…yes really, is welcoming a new employee. Unfortunaly, the new guy shakes his hand, and humber here has the worst OCD ever.
“You’re FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!”
Geez, even Donald trump would find that over the top.
After that pointless-ness, humberfloob announces that the work’s party…thingy, will be held at the mom’s house. As it turns, he is not fond of her kids, and “Asks” that her house be tidy.
“If you’re house is as messy as last time…YOU’RE FIRRRRRRRRRED!”
I’m ACTTTTTTTTTTTTTING!
After we find out this movie had THREE writers, and director by a guy who’s directed nothing other than this, we cut to the kid’s house.
…And we see the boy, Conrad, played by Spencer Breslin wearing big black slipper things, for no other reason than to make us think it’s the cat.
We than meet the girl, sally, played by Dakota fanning (make your own joke here), who we see using some electronic planner thingy.
“To do list: make to do list”
TODOLISTCEPTION
We see that Conrad is a trouble maker ,and sally is a busy-body…or whatever you call someone who makes a to do list that says to make a to do list.
After Conrad does…something I can never summarize. Mom show’s up and bitches at them, for good reason.
Then, the mom’s boyfriend, larry Quinn played by alec Baldwin shows up. He hates the kids, wants to bone mom (a noble cause) and only exists to give the movie a villain who does nothing to forward the plot.
Quinn wishes to send Conrad to military school which I say is too good for him.
“I don’t like you either, and I’m going to marry your mom”
And the most subtle villain award goes to…
Mom has to go back to the office, so she gets a babysitter. who is really old, and yada yada. After more proof the kids are assholes, the mom leaves.
Oh, and the babysitter is the only non-white character in this and I would call her racist…if I could figure out the race they were trying to offend.
It starts to rain, and the movie finally starts resembling the book somewhat. However, that all changes when they hear a thump upstairs. They head up to the closest, where Conrad finds nothing and scares the shit out of sally.
“You look like you saw a monster!’
And then they run something even scarier than that: The cat in the hat, played by Mike myers,.
Oh boy, here we go. The cat’s main role is to be as annoying as possibly. Seriously. After a un-funny chase, the cat introduces himself.
“I’m the cat in the hat, there’s no doubt about that! I’m a super-fundifirious feline. Who’s here to make sure that you’re…meline…keyline…per…I’ve got nothing. I’m not so good with rhyming”
You’re a dr sues character who can’t rhyme? FAIL.
“Look, I’m a talking cat. That should be enough!”
I think that’s how this movie was pitched.
“Where did you come from?”
“Well…when a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each-other very much….”
Oh god, no.
This movie is filled with some very un-kid friendly jokes. Look, mike myers can be funny (Shrek, Austin powers) but here, he tries way too hard. He’s simply not funny, or charming in any way.
The cat spies a picture of the mom and…gets…excited.
“That’s my mom”
“….awkward”
Ugh, I’m just gonna count all the dirty jokes
DIRTY JOKE COUNT: 2.
“You pay, this woman, to sit on babies!? …I do it for nothing!”
…I hate you.
“You two are both out of whack. We have two options. One involves a series of painful shots. The other…involves a musical number!"
“…how many shots?
Okay, that was funny.
Before the cat can jump into a horrible song, we get my favorite part of the book: the talking fish….
For about a few seconds. Then ….SONG
After a really shitty musical number, the kids are now interested in the cat. Also the fish continues to be pointless, but also the most likeable character.
The cat makes them sign a contract, and during this scene…we end up seeing a paper saying “spayed and neutered certificate”
Spayed AND nutered…oh my god. THE CAT IS A HERMANFERDITE!
Also..
DIRTY JOKE COUNT: 3
After a joke involving the cat as a mechanic …complete with ass crack and farting…
Eh fuck it
DIRTY JOKE COUNT: 4
The cat invites the kids to jump on the now bouncing couch, but sally is hesitant. The fish tries to persuade her not to, but because he is pointless, she ignores him.
Alec Baldwin returns….for no real reason. He doesn’t really do anything.. he doesn’t forward the plot, or anything like that. So why did I mention it? Cuz I felt like it.
The cat asks the kids what they wanna do.
“I wanna make cupcakes”
Knowing the cat’s homicidal nature, I bet it’s gonna be rainbow cupcakes.
Then we get a bit in which the cat…somehow duplicates himself and does an impression of an infomercial guy, and some cook. Let’s see what they do.
“I present, the amazing cupcake-inator”
DOOFENSHMIRTZ: Rip off artist!
The seller-cat advertises said cupcake inator, and the bit ends with him using a knife to try to intimidate the cook-cat…but ends up chopping off his own tail.
“…SON OF A BI-“
*gets cut off*
…
DIRTY JOKE COUNT: 5
After that pointless bit, the cupcake inator makes a mess in a kitchen, which sally asks him to clean up
“okay, I’ll try”
“Try?! You do”
“Yes ma’m”
Do or do not. There is no try. Sorry, I had to.
The cat uses mom’s dress from the closet to clean it up, which does please the kids.
“That was mom’s dress and you ruined it!”
“Honey, it was ruined when she baught it”
…Look, in spite of this movie….
And others-
Mike myers can be funny. To his credit he seems to be trying with what he has. But god, is he so not funny in this. He was a horrible choice to play the cat. Say what you will about jim carrey as the Grinch but at least he wasn’t…this.
Anyway, after the fish keeps being pointless, the cat brings in a red box, which has…
“In this box I bring two things: thing 1, and thing 2!”
Yay, something from the book /cartoon that’s only here because it was in the book/cartoon!
Oh, the things are voiced by Dab Castellaneta, Yes, really.
It turns out the crate leads to the cat’s world. Yes, the cat is from another dimension. Good thing you took 30 minutes to explain that, movie.
The things than make stupid jokes and trash the house. And the cat doesn’t care at all. Our hero ladies and gentlemen.
In all the commotion the lock of the crate gets knocked off, and now they must get it back before the cats world leaks into our world.
Yay, conflict…that has nothing do with the cartoon…or the book. Woo-hoo. Look, I’m not a purist who wants everything to be just like the book/cartoon, but can you at least stick to the main plot? This is why dr suess books should never be movies.
The kids chase after their dog (who has the lock on his collar).
And the fish is still pointless. Seriously, in the cartoon/book he did have a point. But in here all he dies is just say “DON’T LISTEN TO THE CAT” over and over again. But then again, he is the only character I side with.
Anyway, the cat tries to use a gardening hoe to get the lock off the dog, but it gets scared and runs away.
“Dirty hoe!”
…
DIRTY JOKE COUNT: 6
The trio stumbles across a birthday party. The kids hide, but the cat ends up out in the open. The piñata at the party happens to be a cat, so they mistake the cat for the piñata. They then hit him…over…and over.
Ahhhh, how satisfying
Then he gets hit in the balls. Eh, I’ll let it slide. The nut action is only implied. Plus I like seeing the cat get hurt.
Alec Baldwin shows up in a gross scene where we see his living situation. He sees the dog and plans to give it to mom as proof Conrad is horrible and needs milatary school.
So to get the dog in time, the cat suggests they take his car, which has a long name with the acynorm of SLOW.
“It’s better than the last name Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter”
“oh you mean-“
“quick, to the SLOW!”
Ugh.
DIRTY JOKE COUNT: 7
Oh, and the dog pisses in alec balwins car. Eh, I’ll let that slide too. I feel generous.
Then the cat says this
“There’s a little voice inside of me saying this is a bad idea.”
I don’t think mike is acting here. This must be what mike thought when accepting the role.
The cat crashes the car…right in front of mom’s office, where alec happens to be going. The cat comes up with a few plans.
“Let’s see. Plan A, mess up a clean house. Done that. Plan B, cut your losses and ditch the kids….hmm…Plan C, trick Quinn into giving the dog…I don’t know I still like plan b”
You are a horrible person.
The cat disguises himself as a hippie…I have no idea, and successfully gets the dog. Alec chases them and the cat leads them into a phoneboth.
Instead of travelling through time…they end up…at a nightclub… where there is a paris Hilton cameo.
Which is weird because crabs don’t have uvulas.
They then remember that the thing’s do the opposite of what they are told to do, so they ask them to NOT show up and take them home.
Okay, let me try. Do NOT end the movie.
…
Damn it. Alcec and the mom head home in her car and the other’s chase after him. After a short scene, they end up home before mom but bump into alec.
“You two are so busted!”
Someone who wants to get a mom to see a crazy thing two kids did, but it goes away…and says they are busted. Okay..
Alec runs into the cat and runs out…but not before falling to the cat’s world, which has taken over the house. Nice going Conrad…..and you too, cat.
They use the babysitter to slide down to where the crate is.
“This is like an amusment park!”
You mean like…universal studios? Ca ching!”
Product placement….woot?
The kids finally lock the crate and return things to normal….only now the house is pretty much destroyed.
And the cat did nothing. And doesn’t seem to feel sorry for it. Fuck you.
And it turns out he planned the ENTIRE day. Yes, everything that happened, was part of his master plan. The kids are not pleased
“Cat, you need to get out!”
Finally, they do something smart for once! Kick his ass out! They kick him out and the movie tries to have heart…but it’s way too mean spirited to be charming.
The kids wait for mom, and take the blame.
But the cat decides to be like the cartoon/book and shows up with that big machine and cleans up the house. This doesn’t make up for…every single thing he’s done so far.
“Okay, we cleaned up the house, and even managed to fit in an uptempo pop tune for the soundtrack. That’s important”
Okay, that was a little funny.
“Cat, this day has been amazing”
You know besides….everything that’s happened.
The cat leaves and mom show’s up to see a clean house. Alec also pops up and mom thinks he’s crazy and kicks his ass out.
Goodbye alec Baldwin! You were completely useless So the company has their party and sally even makes cupcakes for it.
“honey, you’re cupcakes are a hit. What did you put in them?”
“let’s just say, you can make cupcakes out of anything”
Oh god….THEY ARE RAINBOW CUPCAKES! AHHHH!
So the family is together, we find the narrator is actually…the fucking cat. Yay, the only cool part of the movie is now ruined!
The cat wanders into the sunset, looking for other horrible movies to make,. The end.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Oh what can I say about this piece of crap?
Jigsaw thinks it’s too cruel for his trap!
It’s nothing like the book
I don’t like how it looks
It doesn’t resemble the toon.
I was hoping it ends soon!
The characters are all ass-holes.
The cat is about as endearing as a mole.
Mike myers never made me laugh.
I’d rather do math!
He tries way too hard
This movie is more painful than a glass shard!
Alec Baldwin had no reason to be here.
This movie ruins the book and toon, which I hold so dear.
This movie made some money
Even if it wasn’t at all funny
But Dr suess’s widow went and canned
Any dr suess live action films that could have been planned!
This movie’s so bad it would make suess roll in his grave
I’d rather cut my face when I shave!
It’s annoying, stupid, and not fun
Who do I recommend this movie for? The answer is no one!
Go check out the book and the toon
This is spongey saying, I’ll be back soon
Grade: D+
Oh, and more toon’d out month is on the way!
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