Meet the Spartans

THIS! IS! BULLSHIT!

Hello, Spongey here.

Well, I’ve had this blog since Christmas of 2010. One year! We’ve been through a bit together.  Lists of things I like that others hate, movies based on bad web shows, and of course, a snake woman singing with Nazi’s.
 

And other non-snake woman Nazi topics.
 

It’s been a lot of fun, and this blog post happens to be my 50^TH BLOG POST!

50 blogs wow. Never thought it’d make it this far.

So over on deviant art, where I also post these, I had a vote to see which film I would review. The choices were Spooky buddies, snow buddies, the black cauldron, and meet the Spartans. So let’s see what our winner is.
 

“Meet the Spartans”

“Meet the Spartans, because your pain tickles me like feathers.”

“MEET THE SPARTANS BITCH”
 

…Well, I guess the winner is clear.
 

I’m not horribly excited for this movie, but hey you voted, so I’ll do it.
 

Cuz I like you a lot.
 

Lots of homo.

This, is Meet the Spa-
 

ZZZZZZZ….
 

MAN: okay, he’s knocked out.

MAN 2: Commence review!

MAN: hello, blog readers. Our names are…Jason Friedberg and Aaron seltzer!
 

SELTZER: yes. Yes they are. You may remember us as the directors of Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Vampires suck!
 

FRIEDBERG:  We see that a lot of people don’t like our films.
 

SELTZER: Rotten tomatoes, spill.com, TV tropes, you name it!

FRIEDBERG: So today we saw that Spongey, someone we’ve been keeping track of since he reviewed disaster movie, was reviewing one of our movies. So we saw this as the chance to show you how amazing our films really are!

SELTZERG: Right, Aaron!

FRIEDBERG: So today we present a director’s review.
 

Seltzer: This, is Meet the Spartans!

F: Our epic film begins with a recreation of the 300 logo. Don’t you just love how we just copy from 300 instead of spoofing it?
 

S: We think this is much cleverer.
 

F: So the narrator informs us that Spartans babies are checked for defects, as we see a father with one of said babies.
 

S: This baby turns out to be …one of Shrek’s kids from Shrek the third! We put this here because he quite disliked that film and showed it by having a baby from it puke on a guy, who then kicks it off a cliff.
 

F: Don’t you just love child abuse? We don’t, but it sure is funny!

“If the baby was Vietnamese, bradgelina had first dibs!”
 

S: Oh, that’s one of my fave jokes! Racist and dated! We just really like that kind of stuff. We don’t care if this will make sense in a few years; we need to make our money now!
 

F: This doesn’t say anything about how we feel about that race or those people. We just saw a random thing that connects to babies and threw it in for no reason!

S: We then meet our hero, Lionitus. We see him grow up and go through training. This includes a wacky joke where he punches an old lady!

F: Abuse to the elderly is quite amusing in our book!
 

S: Which is on sale for 5 dollars! No refunds.
 

F: Anyway, his training goes on and we see him out in some snowy place, where we get some quick subway product placement in!
 

S: We really like money, you see.
 

F: And in a very funny turn of events, a penguin shows up and dances in front of our hero!

“Hey, you’ve got happy feet!”

“I’m about to shove that happy foot up yo ass!”

F: Oh, look at that!  I remember when we wrote that joke! Ah, pointless references, how we love them!
 

S: Indeed, Jason!
 

“Now eat my penguin asshole! That taco bell ain’t sittin right!”
 

F: Ah, our first shit joke. We are quite fond of those. And we got some fake penguin shit to make this joke even funnier. Cuz when you walk into this movie, you want to be disgusted! I really like throwing up in my popcorn.
 

S: As do I, my good friend!

F: After that, Leo, as we shall call him, returns as a king. Then, Carmen Electra appears!

S: She is quite nice. We felt we needed here again for some fanservice. We needed a look at that ass again! Uh, I mean, we needed her great comedic timing!

F: Nice cover up

S:  At this point you will notice how horrible this actor we got for Leo is. He’s much too good to be reciting these lines. We’re sorry for his horrid acting.
 

F: After some more fantastic child abuse jokes with Leo’s son, he meets with the messenger. We then learn more about Sparta
 

“This is how men in sparta greet each other! High fives for the women, open mouthed tounge kisses for the men!”
 

S: See, we noticed that 300 had some rather gay undertones. So, we put in lots of gay jokes in our spoof.
 

F: Another example of how funny we really are.  Anyway, the messenger tells Leo that this evil guy is trying to take over the world, and Sparta is his next target.
 

S: We also get our only non-funny joke in this film. You see, Leo's friend, here, is named Traitoro. He’s played by deidrich bader. He really needed money. This is a parody of obvious traitors in films such as this. We had him clearly holding a “Treason for dummies” book, among other things
 

F: This was a horrible joke, and we apologize for this attempt at satire
.

S: So it turns out the messenger is quite evil, and after a nice cheating ho joke, Leo does what no one watching this movie saw coming.
 

“This is madness!”

“Madness? THIS IS SPARTA!”
 

F: See, this is our way of spoofing that famous scene. Notice how we changed nothing about it in any way! We sure are great film makers.
 

S: And then that gag is repeated when Leo keeps kicking random celeb parodies into the pit. If it was funny the first time, it’ll be funny the next 20 times!
 

F: And of course, the American idol judges appear to judge his kicks! We thought we’d spoof that show for no real reason. I really can’t say how great that gag was, you can tell how funny it is.
 

S: Leo consult the ancients about going to war. He tells his battle plan, which involves several sexual innuendos. We thought this bit wasn’t funny at all, so we had the old dudes  laugh at it to tell you it was quite funny!
 

F: I just pissed myself that was so funny.
 

S: …Really?

F: Yes.

 

S: …k.
 

F: So the ancients tell him to consult the oracle, he is told she is very hot. The oracle turns out to be…Ugly Betty! Lieo finds her quite ugly but the ancients are very repulsive so they find her hot.
 

S: ..Do you think we went too far with that gag?
 

F: Nah, it’s fine.

S: ..Yeah, you’re right.
 

F: So later on Leo talks to his wife about the whole war thing. After some great gags, she…pulls out a laptop!
 

S: And thus we have this exchange
 

“How will I be tried in the court of public opinion?”

“Well, harry Knowles at “Ain’t it cool news” says this is just a cheap rip off of 300”
 

F: You see, we just wanted to make fun of people who hate our films.  We know this may seem stupid and childish, but it’s not. It’s clever.
 

S: Yes. Yes it is.
 

F: So after some more great jokes, including an america’s next top model spoof, Leo gets an army and prepares for war.
 

S: And they head out in their normal fashion…in a rousing rendition of I will survive! I have to be honest, we thought this was close to being un-funny, but in the end it isn't! You could say it’s funny due to us following the rules of having a spoof do crazy stuff while treating it as normal. But I think it’s funny cuz of the mere image of Spartans doing this.
 

F: I agree, 100 percent!
 

S: After a truly great Paris Hilton spoof which contributes to the story, the Spartans face off with the Persians.
 

F: And of course they do this…in a spoof of stomp the yard. Isn’t  that clever? And of course the Persian dancers are great at dancing, are black, and mention liking chicken!
 

S: I…think that joke was a little….racist.
 

F: Nah, you’re just being stupid. It’s funny!
 

S: Well, if you say so.
 

F: This bit goes on for 5 minutes. We think the length is needed…cuz….it just is!
 

S: They kick some Persian ass, and after a scene with the wife, they meet the evil guy with the un-spell-able name! And the narrator tells us this..
 

“He looked a lot like that guy from borat”
 

S: …Tat may be the worst actor allusion ever.

F: what did I tell you before? IT’S FUNNY!

S: ..Yes sir.
 

F: Anyway, the fat dude asks Leo to surrender. After a funny deal or no idea spoof, we get…a yo momma battle!
 

S: How original right?
 

F: Later on the Spartans find out the bad guy found the passage through the hot gates, which our heroes were going to use to get an advantage on the bad guys. But who cares about that care when there are great paris Hilton jokes in this scene?
 

S: …Quite. The bad guys and good guys meet up once again. The bad guy tells Leo his army is massive. But…it turns out to be two guys holding a blue screen.
 

“It’s a visual affect, to be inserted later. But my army is as great as you can imagine”
 

F: And then the screen turns on showing the great army. You say this ruins a good joke, but I say it’s actually a lot funnier!
 

S: I actually think...

F: Think what?
 

S: …nothing. Never mind
 

F: Thought so. So we cut to the wife as she is asking these dudes to send the rest of the army out. However, Traitoro wants to convince them otherwise. And in all this he pretty much reveals to her she is evil, in a way you could say is almost funny, but I still think it sucks.
 

S: …Yes, of course. So she kills traitoro in a spoof of Spiderman 3, which the narrator of course tells this to us. Then they look at Triatoro’s phone and find out the bad guy is on his speed dial.
 

“Traitoro…is a traitor?!”
 

F: Ugh, how horrid a joke that was.
 

S: I’m starting to think you just say the opposite of this Spongey guy’s actual opinion.
 

F: ..Pffft, no way. Don’t be stupid.
 

S: Okay, stop the movie. I am sick of pretending this shit is funny! It’s not! It’s stupid, not clever, or entertaining in any way!
 

F: You’re full of shit!
 

S: Am I, Jason? Am I?
 

F: You….you’re not!  *cries* Oh, we’re sorry, readers. We know our films suck. We’re not bad people. Just bad film makers!
 

S: I’ve been trying to keep my cool while we spread our bullshit, but I can’t/. I must let it be known that we do not want our films to trouble you anymore. Don’t blame us, blame the people who green light this shit!
 

F: We do have a new film coming out, but….you can just ignore that one. We’re sorry. We really are.
 

S: We won’t even finish watching this movie. It’s only like an hour long anyway. We just padded the credits for 20 minutes.
 

F: Why did we make it so short anyway?
 

S: No idea.

Ugh, my head. Who the hell hit me back there? Anyway, guess I should get back to…hey…WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

F: Oh crap he’s awake.

Are you...SELTZERBERG?!

S:  I kind of like that nickname.

Why are the fuck are you-

F: Look ,we were stupid. We know our films suck, but we wanted to get people to think they are good. So we knocked you out and reviewed this movie to help us in our goal. But we just have to face facts. This movie sucks. Don’t hate us. We were just stupid.
 

S: And you don’t even have to give a sappy apology. We’ll leave you alone if you stop bitching about our films.
 

F: Seriously, it’s not funny anymore. Everyone’s done it! Even WE know we suck! So spread that word.
 

S: So goodbye Spongey. We must return home.
 

F: Our planet needs us!

….

That was really weird. I guess I’ll forgive them. This wouldn’t be the first time I got knocked out.

Anyway, sorry about that guys. I would finish the review but….i can’t follow up on that. It’s impossible.
 

This movie sucks, and you know it. I give it a D and that’s all.

I hope you enjoyed my 50^th blog post. We’ve been through quite a lot. So let’s go onward to more blogs!

This is Spongey saying, I need a freakin drink.