Son of the mask

Hello, Spongey here.

Okay, sometimes the timing of my reviews  are  simply impeccable.

The reasoning for why I do certain reviews varies. Most of the time it’s because I just feel like it.

Last time I reviewed 2002’s The Scorpion King due to Kelly hu’s birthday. But, it just so happened that the rock had a film coming around that same time! Thus, it made my review much more timley.

And today’s review ended up going perfectly with my last one! You see, I saw someone mention this film as his least fave movie ever, so I watched it for reasons I will explain later.

How is that related to my last review?

I mentioned the director of TSK did Jim carrey’s the mask.

So it’s like that someone KNEW that…well he does watch me on dA and is one of the few people who reads this…

So maybe.

So when I was, about 12, and was starting to grow my critic gland, I tuned in to Cartoon Network, and watched a certain film. At the time…I liked it! But then…I found out  it was hated.

For the large part of my life that baffled me.

So the other day, I decided, that I shall watch it again!

Is it as bad as everyone says? It as good as I remember? Let’s find out!

This, is Son of the mask.

Since this movie has little do with the first one, I won’t go into it. In short, It’s great.

So let’s get this show on the road!

The film begins at the edge city museum, where ben stein is giving a tour.

Well that’s promising.

He’s talking about Norse mythology and stuff. He talks about loki, and how he created the mask.  So it’s connected the first film in that happens to have the same mask, and one guy who was in it.

Eh, I can get by that.

He continues to discuss loki as the tourists make lame jokes.

But who would show up but loki himself (Alan cumming, who is no tom hiddelston!). He sports a green face, and really lame effects. He tries to take the mask, but the museums mask is a fake.

He wreaks more havoc on the museum while using lame jokes and lame effects. But he hams it up so I guess it’s cool.

We then cut a to river which has the REAL mask, which Is taken by a dog.

We are then introduced to Tim Avery (GET IT?) played by Jamie Kennedy who was In stuff I don’t care about, and his wife tonya, played by some unknown chick.

They are at some kids birthday party with some dude, who asks tim if he’s gonna have babies of his own.

Instead of showing us the making of the baby, which would make this movie better, we get a lame imagine spot with her giving birth to many babies…with fangs.

Sure, why not.

As it turns out, he fears the idea of having a baby. His wife likes the idea, but he does not. I guess she didn’t tell him that babies=sex.

Oh, and he makes lame jokes at her. Well okay then.

Why is his wife so pissed at him? So he doen’t wanna have a kid, so what? It’s no big deal. Babies are buastards  anyway.

She must be REALLY horny.

Then with the world’s most abrupt transition, we see odin (Bob Hoskins) getting pissed that loki didn’t find the mask.

“Now, find that mask, before I open up a can of Viking on you!”

…really?

Whatever. We cut to the wife.

“If you want anything, I’ll just go make a baby with the neighbor”

…

No comment.

So tim is a cartoonist, but here’s a shocker, he sucks. He wants his own show, and he’s sad, and his wife wants a baby, and he wants his son to think he has a cool enough job.

…that’s it? Seriously?

Your wife wants to fuck you to make a baby but you want a cool job first?

 Lame.

So we learn his current job is a children’s entertainer. Well I can see why he wants a better job.

We also see his best friend, played by kal pen.

Yes, freaking kumar.

So kumar suggests he go up to this big animation guy  (Steven wright) and submit his ideas.

To make a short story shorter, his ideas are bad and he should feel bad.

He needs a Halloween mask and his wife suggests…well THE mask

“No way. This is the crappiest piece of crap in craptown”

You know-for kids!

So he puts on the mask and becomes…insane.

And…well you know how jim carrey’s mask-self was wack and crazy, but was funny because of it?

Imagine that but without…it being funny. Seriously, he pulls lame jokes out of his ass and does everthing carrey already did, but lamer.

He even goes crazy over a hot chick. Which is not only un-funny but unfitting for what’s now a kids movie.

“You better cover up young lady, you might catch a chest cold”

…

Wow.

Then he gets up on the stage…and launches into a rap song.

i…have no words.

This is lamer than lame. The entire song scene is stupid as hell (though it has lots of hot chicks). Even talking about it makes me feel lame.

So he rushes home to his wife.

“Honey, what’s gotten into you?”

“Let’s find out”

…yes, it does cut to the next morning. He fucked her.

You know….oh fuck it.

The next day, everyone at work praises him for being an annoying little cunt..

Daniel moss (that guy) likes his annoying cunt character and of course, now tim wants the mask to help his carrer.

So his wife tells him some news.”

“I might be pregnant”

…

Wonderful.

He had sex while …being that. Seriously, who marketed this as a kids movie?

This leads to a montage showing her 9 month preggo phase, topped with lame jokes I won’t go into.

So the baby is born.

With another lame ass transition, we see that odin is not too pleased that the baby was made. And loki is still looking for that mask. This leads to a lame ass scene where odin hams it up and yells at loki that  he needs to find the baby.

I think we found our formula for this movie: Lame jokes, lame effect, and lame hamming.

If you thought baby dill was a pain in the Rugrats movie, you didn’t see him with magic cartoon powers. Tim is bugged by the babies wild antics, but at this point, he doesn’t know the baby is insane.

Later, Tonya goes on a business trip, leaving Tim with the baby. And even worse, he needs to make a cartoon with the green guy in a week.

You know, if you’re husband refuse to use condoms, just show him this movie. That’ll show him!

Anyway, loki goes around town looking for the baby. This leads to…guess. Just . fucking guess.

Yes, more lame jokes and effects. I can’t properly describe how lame it is. It tries to be over the top cartoony, but it becomes a LAME cartoon in the process.

Back at home, tim calms the baby down by making him watch cartoons. Hey, now we have something n common!

The kid watches that classic cartoon with Michigan J. Frog…which him the idea to use his cartoon powers to do pretty much exactly what the frog did, and land tim in a asylum.

Okay, this is both a good point and a bad point.

On one hand, I think it’s a nice little tribute to classic cartoons, with both this and the dog putting on the mask and using his powers to get rid of the baby. But while the dog part, while stupid, has a okay idea, the frog thing is odd to  me.

Why is the baby suddenly…evil? I mean, in order for us to eventually side with the father/baby relationship at the end of this movie the baby has to be…not an asshole!

Oh and it leads the BABY making lame gags and really horrible effects.

So if you fuck while under the influence of something, your baby will be fucked up. And if you raise your kid on cartoons they while try to hurt you.

Having fun yet kids?

Geez, how far am I into this?

..40 minutes?

God help us all.

Oh, and there is one entertaining gag where the baby beats the shit out of tim. Such a joy.

Oh, and there’s a bit with the dog trying to get rid of the baby, and the baby does evil shit to the dog. Okay, is the baby meant to be horrible? Because I hate him.

The dog tries literally in the next scene, which is another lame scene I can’t  describe.  The idea behind a lot of these gags/scene are okay but the execution is beyond lame. If the effects were smother, and the film would SHUT. THE. FUCK UP. For a second, this might have worked.

The dad tries to change his diaper, which leads to…a piss joke. Keep classy movie.

Loki makes his way to the babies house, finally. But cuz the baby doesn’t wanna do the mask thing in front of others, loki things it’s not the right baby.

Tim finally cracks and yells at the baby that he knows his evil plan, and the keeps fucking with him.

…okay, I’m putting my foot down.

This is not funny. It is not quirky, and it is not charming. It is sick and sadistic! This baby is making him having a mental breakdown! And why? No reason. He’s just evil.

It’s really depressing to watch tim break down and the movie just goes “LOLSOFUNNEH”.

Ick.

Loki does see the baby super puking (yay piss jokes?) and goes after the baby, and tim knows what’s going but doesn’t wanna give up the baby who’s making his life hell. Sure.

But as luck would have it, the baby protects daddy from being hurt by loki. Odin gets really pissed and can’t see that HE HAS THE FUCKING BABY AND DOESN’T USE HE FUCKING POWERS TO SEE IT. So thus., he takes loki’s powers away, thus making him  a non threat.

So the movie’s over.

To sum it u-

…I’m only an hour in?

There’s more?

Help me.

So the movie is trying to say the baby really does like tim. Since he saved him and all.

One good thing VS 30 MIUNUTES OF BAD THINGS.

Movie, this baby is the spawn of satan. Don’t tell us otherwise. It tries to get heartwarming on us, and it feels really forced. They knew we’d hate the baby, so they made him good, despite that fact that it doesn’t work. At all.

Loki is able use a spell he learned (why he doesn’t need his powers to do it, idk) to summon loki and explain the issue. So loki gives him his powers so he can try to get the mask.

One thing I’ve failed to bring up is that movie in a way tries to paint loki as sympathetic. It’s a normal son/father thing, with gods. But…it’s kinda lame. Idk, it feels stupid.

Loki tells tim to meet him with mask in an hour at an alley…and he lampshades how cliché it is.

One point for a funny joke.

So it’s 1 funny joke to…100000 bad ones. Yay.

The wife shows up and tim explains everything. So they go to the dog…who is serenading a female dog. Meh.

Tim apologizes for neglecting the dog for the devil spawn (hey he’s CLEARLY not a baby) in a cliché, weak manner.

Loki also bonds with the kid in a way that starts out actually okay…but turns into more of the same lame effects. Tim shows up and tries to trade mask for baby, but loki refuses cuz grown attached.

So what was gonna be cool turned into something cliché and lame.

Sure, why not.

Tim puts on the mask and uses the power of lame gags to peruse loki.  He and loki then start a big fight…which has more of…well you know by now. To be honest, some bits of are a little cool but punctuated by lame jokes as well.

They deicide they are too evenly matched, so they let the kid decided who he stays with. Tim apologizes to the kid who acting like a bit of a jerk, and he just didn’t know how to handle a baby.

Bull. Fucking bull. He was trying to be an nice father the whole fucking time and the baby gave him hell right from the start. So this sweet scene is a load of shit. The kid clearly should go with loki. But nope, we need a lame moral to push down our throats.’

Tim almost beats loki after he flips out, but as luck would have it, odin shows up to ham it up again.

“You are in every sense of the word, a failure”

Just like this movie!

"As he is about to banish Loki, who says he is done trying to please him, Tim stands up to the powerful god, telling him that no matter how many times he banishes Loki, he will still be his son, and that the most important thing in the universe is the relationship with your family.

Even when family tries to put you in an asylum!

Loki and Odin, now reconciled, return to Asgard with the mask, happy. What was a fine  subplot idea on paper became lame and stupid due to shitty morals.

Tim uses the whole dog/baby idea for his cartoon, which gets him his job. We see the toon which is lame and has bad animation. His wife likes it.

“Such a good show! But you might…need…to add another character.” She points to her belly.

…

i…think that’s enough. As this is where the movie, finally. Ends.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Wow. Just wow.

When I was slightly younger, I liked this, and was baffled people hate it.

11/12 year old me, you’re a fucking idiot.

This movie is …realty bad. While the idea is interesting, and some concepts show promise, it’s bogged down by lame jokes, awful effect, and really botched morals. The film is almost horrifying to watch as it treats this guy’s breakdown like it’s funny, when it Is not.

The acting is also way too hammy to even be so bad it’s good, except maybe odin. It’s way too over the top, and the movie never shuts up. Never. It’s always noise, noise noise! This movie is a waste of acting talent, and everything else.

So what other people think?

Richard Roper-"In the five years I've been co-hosting this show, this is the closest I've ever come to walking out halfway through the film, and now that I look back on the experience, I wish I had.”

I agee. But what did the film’s lead have to think of the critics?

“But the critics don’t know all the things that go into the film. It’s just like I tell them it’s a different movie, it’s a different character. It’s not trying to be the first. And it’s just like hurts my feelings that they’re so rough.”

Make your own comment.

To sum it up, this movie is piss awful. It’s said to be one of the worst ever made. I …agree. Is it as bad the last airbender? I may have to think  about that.

But it’s really fucking close

GRADE: D+

Movie Review: The Scorpion King

Hello, Spongey here.

So let me tell you  a bit of how I look at films.

To me, how I review a movie depends on  what kind of movie it is. The genre, the target audience, and that kind of stuff. I think about who the movie is for, and what type it is before I say anything. This is  so I  can judge it on the merits of the type of movie the director was trying to make. What works in one genre obviously won’t work in another, so if I review a fantasy movie, I have to judge it  on fantasy standards.

But it goes beyond genre. It stretches out to kinds as well. Such as comedy spoof films.  The goal of those movie is to mock, or lampoon another work and they only seek to make you laugh. So I judge it on how funny it is and how it spoofs the work.

And today I review a  movie in the most broad, yet most common type:

The cheesy “So bad it’s good” popcorn film.

This is the type of movie that has one goal: entertain you and make you have fun. They don’t care about deep stories or shit like that, they make the movie because they think the idea is kinda cool. They put characters because they are cool, and every element is there because it is cool.

I judge those movies on how fun they are, and how much I am entertained by it. I love cheesy movies to death. I laugh way more at these movies than I do most comedies nowadays. 

So let’s look at a clear example of this type of movie.

This, is The Scorpion King

So this movie is a prequel to “The Mummy” movies. I haven’t seen them, but from I hear, it’s not needed. Oh, and this movie has a (Direct to Video) prequel...and a legit sequel came out last month .

So we have a sequel…to a prequel…to a prequel….to a remake of an really old movie.

My brain hurts.

Anyway, so here’s the basic story:

It is the year 5000 BC - or thereabouts. The anachronistic Greek general Memnon is out to, you guessed it, take over the world. which consists of African tribesmen, Amazons and the City of Gomorrah in improbably close conjunction. The leaders of the Free Peoples, including the chiefs of the aforesaid Africans and Amazons, hire the 'last of the Akkadians' a race of deadly assassins, (which would come as a surprise to Sargon of Akkadia) to kill not Memnon, but the evil sorcerer whose magic and prophecies are the ultimate source of his success.

One of the Akkadians is Mathayus, a man-mountain played by The Rock. One instantly intuits that the others are Red Shirts. Sure enough, the other ones, one of which is his half-brother, bite it early, leaving Mathayus to fight alone. Naturally, being the hero, Mathayus fights his way through hordes of Mooks to the sorcerer's tent. To Mathayus's surprise, but not the audience's, 'he' turns out to be a beautiful sorceress, played by the lovely Kelly Hu, who warns Mathayus that he's been betrayed. Oh and the bad guy uses her visions to help his evil plans and she doesn’t really like him that much.

After more stuff happens, The Rock, a sorceress, a comedy sidekick, and mad scientist  team up to kill an evil guy

How has my life gotten to the point where that isn’t a strange sentence to me?

                                                                            

Anyway, as you can tell from that summary, this movie is cliché. There’s nothing original about it. But clearly, the filmmakers didn’t care. They just wanted to make a fun movie.

And it is awesome. - If the first five minutes of The Scorpion King do not have you in tears of laughter, you have no sense of humor. It’s hilarious, and action packed. 

This movie was made as a action/comedy. That is a FACT. There are tons of one liners, some action bits have comedic sound effects, it feels like a parody at times.

Need more proof?

The director did the jim carrey film, The Mask.

Need I say more?

This movie will make you laugh and go “HOLY CRAP THAT WAS COOL” at the same time.

As for the actor’s…they ham it up and have tons of fun doing it.

The Rock is actually one of  the stronger points in this movie. He’s funny, he’s good at stunts and he’s likable as fuck. He does good in cheesy action movies. i bet he’s gonna he a huge sta-

…fuck you Hollywood.

The other actors I don’t know the names of and I don’t care. They’re hamming and fun and that’s all that matters.

Oh, and there’s Kelly hu…

She’s nice.

But in all honesty, she is the only actor in this who takes it seriously and gives a legit serious good performance. And  she does get the deadpan snarker on a few times. She and the rock do have okay chemistry,.

Oh, and because the rock’s character…has sex with her, I am filled with jealous rage. Oh, AND she’s half naked for most it. And in one scene she IS naked (with humorously covered up privates)

This movie was made for me.

This movie also has lots of fanservice. Several half naked chicks, and Kelly hu for guys, and shirtless The rock for the girls. So now it’s officially a cheesy 80’s movie that got lost in 2002.

Really, all I can say about this movie in the long run is that’s every cheesy action movie of this type rolled into one. But I will say that as cheesy movies go, this…doesn’t stand out too much,

It is a good “bad” movie, but it’s not plan 9 or anything. It’s a fun time, but not a great bad movie..If that makes sense. It’s an entertaining schlock fest, and that’s all.

I wrote this review for 2 reasons:

1.       The Rock just came out with “Journey 2: The mysterious island” which is both a cheesy action movie AND  a kids movie! Holy shit, he can do both well?! I hear it’s a  cheesy fun. I might review it when it comes out on  DVD.

2.       Today….is Kelly hu’s birthday.

…That’s the main reason.\

I was gonna watch this movie to review it. Then I saw that the rock had a movie coming out. I was like

“God, you if you wanted me to watch that movie, you could of just asked!’

…e-yup.

I’ve run out of things to say.

If you  want a light fun action film, the rock, or Kelly hu, I say check it out

GRADE: B.

And that’s on the cheesy movie scale, btw

This is spongey saying,  i ran out of ideas for things to close out with!

Pixar-athon #5: Finding Nemo

Hello, Spongey here.

Welcome back to Pixar-athon!

Okay, before we begin I must say that I will try to contain my fanboy-ness for this review. Why? Well there’s tons of it prepared for a later review in our marathon so I want to save my energy. So what that out of the way, let us begin!

If you ask my friends in real life (Yes I have friends. Shocking, I know) about their favorite pixar film,
(Only the people i know btw, on the internet, it's different) you may get many responses. But what’s the most common response? Well, that’s what we’ll talk about today

This, is Finding Nemo

Premise time!

The film  centers on a neurotic clownfish named Marlin. After losing his mate and all but one of their 400+ eggs, Marlin becomes overprotective of his remaining son, Nemo. On his first day of school, Nemo gets fed up with Marlin's fear of the ocean, and ends up disobeying his father's orders by going near a boat. Soon after, Nemo gets kidnapped "rescued" by a scuba diver, and Marlin, going against all his fears, goes off to find him. Marlin joins up with a forgetful blue tang named Dory, and they brave all sorts of obstacles to, well, find Nemo.

Meanwhile, the scuba diver turns out to be a Sydney dentist who puts Nemo in his office's aquarium, and plans to give the fish to his niece, Darla, for her upcoming birthday. The other fish in the tank, most of whom are somewhat insane, decide to help Nemo escape.

This is the pixar film I’ve seen the most times. I saw in theaters when it came out, and I loved it. I got on VHS and I watched it so much I think I know as much as the people who made it! Infact, this a film I can watch at anytime and never get sick of it. One time Disney channel showed It, I saw it, and they aired an encore the next day at noon…and I watched it then too! I like it that much. And yes, I do have it on DVD now. 

This was pixar’s biggest hit money wise, and fan wise, before a couple other films took it’s place. I think this may  due to its massive appeal for both kids and adults.  

For the kids, we have funny fish, a big adventure, and  likable ol’ nemo.

For the adults, we have slaughter in the first five minutes, harsh reminders about the true nature of an ocean ecology, and , a neurotic father whose traumatic death of his partner scarred him for life.

You know-for kids!

Yep, this movie is dark. I never noticed when I was younger, since  it does a good job of not dwelling in darkness. If that makes sense. It’s a deep movie at points, but it’s not boring or depressing. 

This is the textbook definition of a film that appeals to both kids and adults. This seems to be the default pixar film for the kids I knew…besides Cars, but that’s for later.

Anyway, now the characters.

Our leads are Marlin, Nemo, and dory.  I’ll start with nemo. Being a kid, he could have easily been annoying and unlikable. But no, he’s awesome.  He has complex issues going on with his dad, as marlin is over-protective and doesn’t let nemo do anything. Of course as we know, bad things came from that. Eventually, nemo and marlin both learn about oh you know this by now.  

I don’t need to analyze the complex stuff, since film critics already did that for me! I’m just here to talk about stuff a dumb white teenager would think of…well not really. If I did I’d say:

LOL LOOK AT THE FISHY

..wait, too young.

Never mind, let’s move on.

Dory is a fan favorite. Why? She’s the comedy relief…and she’s FUNNY.  Her main thing is that she suffers from short term memory loss. This is mostly used for a gag, but later on we see that is a serious issue for her, and once she starts to remember stuff more often, thanks to marlin, she wants to keep him around, and when marlin wants to ditch her, which happens twice btw, it doesn’t go well.

Damn this movie is deep when you think about it. I guess that’s more to love.

Marlin is voiced by Albert Brooks, by the way. He’s good, I guess. But again ,I must give credit to the big celeb, Ellen Deggenress. I’m not her biggest fan, but she completely stole the movie. Simply, a perfect performance.  

There’s other great characters too. Bruce the shark (Named after the nickname Stephen speilberg gave the shark in Jaws) , who is a vegetarian that holds a shark version of AA, crush the turtle, who is like a ninja turtle if he stayed in the water,  and some others. Crush is voiced by the director himself, Andrew Stanton!

Ever since I was a kid, I wondered if dory’s memory thing was actually accurate to real amnesia.  Let me look it up

…so anyway, we also the aquarium fish. We have Peach, a starfish that’s very smart…unlike that other starfish we all know.  There’s also flo…who is insane. And of course, gill, the wise leader who is very anxious to escape, and goes through some more deep shit.

Oh, and nigel the seagull, who’s super awesome.

As for the villain…there is none. This movie has no villain. Even darla is just a kid, who doesn’t know any better.  Bruce is just misunderstood, and he only chases our heroes when he smells dory’s blood.

Yes blood. Having fun yet, kids?

Also, yes, the animation is fantastic but that’s a given.

And as for john ratzenburger’s character , this time he is a big group of moonfish (So I guess he’s playing a ton of characters…they just act as one) that form stuff to help get their point across. Dory and marlin ask them for directions.  He...they’re…uh…ratzenburger is pretty funny. His scene is one of the best in the film.

I can’t choose my fave scene, since this movie has many amazing scenes. Three scenes stick out in my mind: The jellyfish scene, the Crush scene, and the whale scene. All amazing and help sum up the awesome-ness of this movie.

…I’m running out of things to talk about already. Wow, that was quick.

Anyway, is this MY fave pixar film? No. it’s REALLY close. But not quite. Then what IS? You’ll find out..

Finding Nemo is not only a great pixar film, it’s a great film period. It has funny moments, fantastic storyline, and deep issues for people to love.

This is spongey saying, I didn’t mention the MINE seagulls for a reason.