Fred 2: Night Of The Living Fred

Hallo, sponagy here.

Ya may bee wondaring aboot may harrirble spalling….more tan usual.

Well, you se, the moviae I wastched taday az so dumb and shatty dat it mad me dumber.

Dumbar dan usual anwayz.

Fram da title, ya kan tall wat film it is. I cantz thank of any big intradoctioin far dis reviow. Cuz of ma brain-y thang.

So witout father adu, dis, is Fred 2: Night of the living Fred

da movie opans wit fred talking to us like in da forst one

“My life is a horror movie!”

well, itz a honorable movie butt you wre clase

“I’m so scared! And you’ll be too once you hear about it”

I survived fred 1, dude. I will ba finer.

So fred tellz us wat happaend after da forst one.

“You remember judy right? I dumped here”

How bad iz it wen FRED dumps ya?

Oh and den dar is an imagine spot in da from of a casblancea parodie.

Dose thangs don’t beland togethAe.

Den he tallz us he iz full of shat and judy brake up wit him.

Pontlass, mulch?

So he talls us aboot hiz grat musaz techar, butt the next da he fins our dar iz a knew one who replacred har.

Hiz nam is mr Devilin.

SUBATLE, MOVIAR.

Butt I wall call him crappy vamparie dude

Da crappy prat wazn’t a taypo.

Den whale he wax home, dis creppy chik stalks him, so he rans like a lattle girl.

Den he falls in a blabbies pool…den the blabby pisses on harm.

Classy.

Fred alzo sees dat the creepy dude iz maving in nex doar to him. But befare he can yall, da chack cathes up to hiom.

So he rans home and da film cathes up to da strat. Dis becames pontlass wen it jusrt cats to da nextr dag.

Fred iz hanging out wid berthsa. And talls her aboots tda creppy thans.

And hare you wall notces bertha is no langer played by jennete. For some rassin dey replacerd har wit Danniler monet.

 

Az nicer as shle iz, it painz me 2 see har in 2 shat films in one yar. I lake her in Victorious, so y is sha wasiting herself here?

And yas, she haz as mulch propeuse as sha did in da fortst one.

So fred jus akls da girl y she stilk s him turns out  they just have da sam skool route. Oh, and her nam is Tali, and she is plaed by Ariel winter.

 

 

So da next dag at skool, creepy dudes tlaks about an upcoming piano recital, walch fred and the ever likable kevin are both in.

Fred preformz for da teachar, and in a nutshell, he thanks fred sucks.

I’m symphasizer wit him so frar.

So fred tlaks to talia aboot his sroows. She offares him a cockie.

Da cookaie locks like fred. Dat’s kwauite crappy. I mean creepy.

‘nah, I meant crappy.

Butt seraly, wut is da poit of har? Perhaps….duhhh I can’t think of y she;s in dis. Damn you movie! I want meh brains bak!

So, whare were waw? Oh yahr.

Talia dssapears witout a trac and fred notaces dis and scrams like a bitch. He strats to thank she mit be a ghost.

Dat wood explirn y shes sooo dam creepy. Geez.

Fred haz a ward imagine spoot where a ghost talia spaks to him about how sha dead. Dis is stewpid beyond marny lava’s. Fred actz az if she waz rally tlakign to him. Wit da imagine shat in da frotst on he new it waz him marking shar up. But here itz nawt lke dat!

Fred stewily flass down dah strairs, hurting himself. Ahhh, so satytsfing to witch!

Fred’s momma gets da dor, ans it iz kevan’s momma who iz invitign them to a praty for da eval due. Dise movaeis ruin partys foraver, man.

 

Aslo, kevan’s mom is palyed…by flo form da progressaive ads? Wut?!

Aslo , mom conineus 2 be da onlay lickable charaters in da film. Blass her and her fred hartin waies.

Den…..john cena shows urp 2 be pointless again!

Wat, det sad in da frost 1 dat cena

iz naht fred dad. (it waz imploied at d end). So y is he here in cena form? I don’t get it.

Aslo he “lievs” in fred’s fadge. Wut.

See why dis falm mad me stewpid? Or at least incrapble of coharen speech?

We curt to da praty where fred’s mam meats da evil eacher….and getz da hotz for ham.

BRAIN BLEACH PLEASE!

Fred talks to kevin.

“
“Hey, you look like Robert pattinson…if he were stupid!”

1.    Prop cuktrue joke dat Is un-frunny? Yay

2.    He haz way moar talent den you, drumbass!

Oh yea, I went der.

“Could you get me a coke, please”

PORDUCTR PLACMEANT FTW

Den talia shows up at da praty. Y is she der.

She iz kevan’s sista.

No jorking.

Wut.

Fred ranz homre and firgues sometin ourt aboot da evial dude

“
“you switch the around the letters in his name, and you get devil…with an extra N”

Iz dat kin kda funnah, or estra stewpid?

IT IZ ASOOOOO FREAKIGN FUNNEH!!!!!!1111

…oh shat, dis film’s stewpid ness iz grettign 2 me!!!!111

I amrem even using un-needead 1’s and !”s

I got 2 figrht it! Let’z moave on.

Fred plotz 2 snak up 2 da dude’s huse in da maddle of da nat to c wut is goin own.

Fred c’s him burying somtin, and he tink’s it’s da kat of a sum laddie.i dunno wut happenz latter yet, but I beat dis is jurst fred bein stewpid. Dis movie haz no blass.

Fred haz an imagiane spot wit da old teacar warning him aboot da new dude…by shoring up in hiz pancake.

Sure y naht.

Meifmeifmeifmeimfmg

Wuuuttttt?!

Oh noes…daaaa movie haz gortten so stewpid dat I am gerrtign lezz carpable of sppach!

I must doooo somein about dis!

Exccruss me!

*TWO HOURS LATER*

Ah, inception. Smart film that made me think..

HOLY CRAP I CAN SPELL FINE AGAIN!

 I have defeated this movie with the power of brains!  And we’re only a quarters of a way through!

Okay, enough with the lame bad spelling gags, let’s do this movie the way I always do…badly, but fairly!

So the next day, Fred tells Bertha his theory on the evil dude…he is an alien. Sure, why not.

Then….ANOTHER FUCKING POINTLESS IMAGINE SPOT!

Why are all these there? We get it, fred thinks he is evil and that he killed that lady. Fine, I understand. Do we need to see into his non-existent brain?!

But in this little bit, we see the evil dude as an alien bug thing…sucking out fred’s blood. Okay, that’s kinda cool.

Fred later talks to Talia about the whole kevin thing. Turns out she’s just been in the background this whole time and idiot fred never noticed her. Oh, and the flashback that show’s this, there is part…with Fred in a spongebob suit. The exact one I used to wear on Halloween.

Movie, go to hell. You go to hell and you die!

So at home Fred sees some Count Chocula and finally figures out the real truth

“He…is a vampire!”

So the alien scene was fucking pointless. yay.

This leads to ANOTHER imagine spot with vampires…and…this scene…makes fun…OF TWILIGHT!

FRED

FUCKING

MAKES

FUN

OF

FUCKING

TWILIGHT.

Fred fucking broke the most important rule of movies: Never reference something better than you.

And that thing is FREAKING TWILIGHT!

And this movie came out in 2011, before Breaking dawn part 1 came out. So the joke was freaking dead!

Geez, even Seltzerberg did a better job! Okay, I went a little far there.

And speak of the devil, the dude shows up,…for a date with Fred’s mom. I just threw up a little.

Fred invites him, breaking one of the vampire rules HE TALKED ABOUT PRIOR TO THIS SCENE. I hate Fred, and this movie does not make him less of a horrible person.

Okay, I am getting  way too angry here. It’s not as awful as the first one, but that’s not saying much. So Fred and Bertha head to the restaurant where the 2 are at, and Fred is mistaken for a chef. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see wacky hijinks!

Oh, and in a bit with the…couple, there is a joke with the word damn it. At least no one got called a gang banger.

No I am not over that.

After a stupid/pointless cooking scene,. Bertha poses as the waitress. Mr. Devlin orders a bloody steak making Bertha more suspicious.

Fred returns home, with more suspicions, and happy knowing he wasted our freaking time with that cooking scene. Seriously, it went on for 5 minutes! That night, Fred tries to think of ways to stop the vampire.

Then….John cena shows up for another imagine spot. This time…with Fred as a WWE wrestler

Worst. Actor Allusion. Ever.

It runs on too long and it’s really stupid. Seriously, these imagine spots are stupid  and they only pad the freaking movie!

The next day, Fred finds out the vampire dude is involved in a blood donation drive. You know, if he’s gonna turn out to be…not a vampire,, (yea,. Spoilers) then why is he doing all this? It seriously cannot be a coincidence.

Ugh….

You know what? I hate to pull  another Yellow submarine on you guys…but I can’t take this. The rest of the movie has little to discuss. More shit happens, fred finds out the guy is not a vampire, and there is a cool scene where fred pretends to get staked and has fake blood spew everyone. No ,I will not give context. It wouldn’t help anyway.

I can’t stand to give this thing more respect than it deserves, and there’s little to talk about to be left in my play by play form. If you would like to know what happens, there are two options I will explain later

Let’s cut to the chase

Final Thoughts:

From the rest of the review, you might think I hate this movie as much as the first and just wanted to kill myself.

But honestly…it’s not as bad as the first one. But, that’s not saying much. The first one was HORRIBLE in every way possible. This one…was just really bad.

It suffers from the same issues as the first. The characters are either bland or stupid/unlikable, the story is cliché, Fred is an annoying pile of shit, and it’s not funny at all. But one or two small jokes worked and at least it had a storyline that has tiny bits that were okay. The first movie was a clusterfuck with no story whatsoever. So I admire this movie for having a storyline I could follow.

Sure, this movie is still stupid as hell, and not funny, but at least there’s that. I didn’t fully hate   this movie. It was another bad kids TV movie. There was nothing about it’s shittiness that made it stand out unlike the first one. It is among the dumbest things ever, but in a more general sense.

So it sucks, just not as hard as part 1. It’s a crummy Halloween film that is not good as a  comedy. But as a horror film, it’s great. It sure scared me!

If you would like to see a review of this movie, look up the Hardcore kids review. It’s quite funny.

Grade: D

The Review: http://www.reviewersunknown.com/2831/the-hardcore-kid-fred-2-night-of-the-living-fred/

Movie Review: The Scorpion King

Hello, Spongey here.

So let me tell you  a bit of how I look at films.

To me, how I review a movie depends on  what kind of movie it is. The genre, the target audience, and that kind of stuff. I think about who the movie is for, and what type it is before I say anything. This is  so I  can judge it on the merits of the type of movie the director was trying to make. What works in one genre obviously won’t work in another, so if I review a fantasy movie, I have to judge it  on fantasy standards.

But it goes beyond genre. It stretches out to kinds as well. Such as comedy spoof films.  The goal of those movie is to mock, or lampoon another work and they only seek to make you laugh. So I judge it on how funny it is and how it spoofs the work.

And today I review a  movie in the most broad, yet most common type:

The cheesy “So bad it’s good” popcorn film.

This is the type of movie that has one goal: entertain you and make you have fun. They don’t care about deep stories or shit like that, they make the movie because they think the idea is kinda cool. They put characters because they are cool, and every element is there because it is cool.

I judge those movies on how fun they are, and how much I am entertained by it. I love cheesy movies to death. I laugh way more at these movies than I do most comedies nowadays. 

So let’s look at a clear example of this type of movie.

This, is The Scorpion King

So this movie is a prequel to “The Mummy” movies. I haven’t seen them, but from I hear, it’s not needed. Oh, and this movie has a (Direct to Video) prequel...and a legit sequel came out last month .

So we have a sequel…to a prequel…to a prequel….to a remake of an really old movie.

My brain hurts.

Anyway, so here’s the basic story:

It is the year 5000 BC - or thereabouts. The anachronistic Greek general Memnon is out to, you guessed it, take over the world. which consists of African tribesmen, Amazons and the City of Gomorrah in improbably close conjunction. The leaders of the Free Peoples, including the chiefs of the aforesaid Africans and Amazons, hire the 'last of the Akkadians' a race of deadly assassins, (which would come as a surprise to Sargon of Akkadia) to kill not Memnon, but the evil sorcerer whose magic and prophecies are the ultimate source of his success.

One of the Akkadians is Mathayus, a man-mountain played by The Rock. One instantly intuits that the others are Red Shirts. Sure enough, the other ones, one of which is his half-brother, bite it early, leaving Mathayus to fight alone. Naturally, being the hero, Mathayus fights his way through hordes of Mooks to the sorcerer's tent. To Mathayus's surprise, but not the audience's, 'he' turns out to be a beautiful sorceress, played by the lovely Kelly Hu, who warns Mathayus that he's been betrayed. Oh and the bad guy uses her visions to help his evil plans and she doesn’t really like him that much.

After more stuff happens, The Rock, a sorceress, a comedy sidekick, and mad scientist  team up to kill an evil guy

How has my life gotten to the point where that isn’t a strange sentence to me?

                                                                            

Anyway, as you can tell from that summary, this movie is cliché. There’s nothing original about it. But clearly, the filmmakers didn’t care. They just wanted to make a fun movie.

And it is awesome. - If the first five minutes of The Scorpion King do not have you in tears of laughter, you have no sense of humor. It’s hilarious, and action packed. 

This movie was made as a action/comedy. That is a FACT. There are tons of one liners, some action bits have comedic sound effects, it feels like a parody at times.

Need more proof?

The director did the jim carrey film, The Mask.

Need I say more?

This movie will make you laugh and go “HOLY CRAP THAT WAS COOL” at the same time.

As for the actor’s…they ham it up and have tons of fun doing it.

The Rock is actually one of  the stronger points in this movie. He’s funny, he’s good at stunts and he’s likable as fuck. He does good in cheesy action movies. i bet he’s gonna he a huge sta-

…fuck you Hollywood.

The other actors I don’t know the names of and I don’t care. They’re hamming and fun and that’s all that matters.

Oh, and there’s Kelly hu…

She’s nice.

But in all honesty, she is the only actor in this who takes it seriously and gives a legit serious good performance. And  she does get the deadpan snarker on a few times. She and the rock do have okay chemistry,.

Oh, and because the rock’s character…has sex with her, I am filled with jealous rage. Oh, AND she’s half naked for most it. And in one scene she IS naked (with humorously covered up privates)

This movie was made for me.

This movie also has lots of fanservice. Several half naked chicks, and Kelly hu for guys, and shirtless The rock for the girls. So now it’s officially a cheesy 80’s movie that got lost in 2002.

Really, all I can say about this movie in the long run is that’s every cheesy action movie of this type rolled into one. But I will say that as cheesy movies go, this…doesn’t stand out too much,

It is a good “bad” movie, but it’s not plan 9 or anything. It’s a fun time, but not a great bad movie..If that makes sense. It’s an entertaining schlock fest, and that’s all.

I wrote this review for 2 reasons:

1.       The Rock just came out with “Journey 2: The mysterious island” which is both a cheesy action movie AND  a kids movie! Holy shit, he can do both well?! I hear it’s a  cheesy fun. I might review it when it comes out on  DVD.

2.       Today….is Kelly hu’s birthday.

…That’s the main reason.\

I was gonna watch this movie to review it. Then I saw that the rock had a movie coming out. I was like

“God, you if you wanted me to watch that movie, you could of just asked!’

…e-yup.

I’ve run out of things to say.

If you  want a light fun action film, the rock, or Kelly hu, I say check it out

GRADE: B.

And that’s on the cheesy movie scale, btw

This is spongey saying,  i ran out of ideas for things to close out with!