Fred The Movie

Hello, Spongey here.

Back in my list of things I like the others I hate, number 9 was 10 was Fred. I didn’t really explain, I just assumed you’d question me and my explanation would not sway you.

Well, allow me to explain it a TINY bit.

Fred is an internet video series centering around the dysfunctional 6-year-old Fred Figglehorn, created by Lucas Cruikshank.

Fred lives with his recovering drug-addicted and alcoholic mother, whose voice is often heard, and his grandmother. It is implied that Fred has been the victim of child abuse  however he frequently speaks of his love for his mother, particularly after her stay at rehab. Fred's father is mentioned several times as being on death row in the state penitentiary. Fred has not met his father, as he left Mrs. Figglehorn while she was still pregnant with Fred.
 

Drug addicted mother, child abuse, and one ep that implies she is also a prostitute.

You know-for kids!
 

Ya, I liked it. It was fun and of course it wasn’t too dumb for kids due to all the stuff I listed.  However, like all things on the internet, it had to be ruined.
 

(Cruikshank believes that viewers either "automatically love Fred or automatically hate Fred, there is no in between". At least he admits it)
 

The media got ahold of him and whored him out. His web show changed to include other characters on screen. It went downhill and became really stupid. He started showing up everywhere, from an icarly episode to being just wherever you go. He was a just another funny internet guy, but now he is a whore.
 

But then, it got worse. With something that should never have happened.
 

This, is Fred The Movie.

The film begins with a typical fred web short. Then we find out in the movie…he has no high pitched voice. Okay, you think this would make him less annoying. But…it makes him…more so!

When his voice was high, you could see that fred the character was an 8 year old. Sorta. He seemed young and you got that he was simply a stupid kid, even if his actor was like 14.
 

Here, without the voice, he sounds simply too stupid to be a teen and too old to be a kid. It makes all his annoying lines ten times more painful to sit through.

He talks about how he’s happy that he has a bunch of days off school and man does it get on your nerves. Oh, and this…IS LESS THAN ONE FULL MINUTE IN,

 

We then escape the confides of the web show and branch out and see the rest of his world. Wayne’s world did this kind of thing first, only it didn’t suck.

And then we see judy, the chick Fred has always liked.  Oh, and judy is, about like 15. Her actress is     21. What.

Fred then stalks her, cuz that’s so not creepy at all. It’s at this point we meet the bully from the web show, kevin.. In the webshow, it was joked that he was kinda fat and had man boobs, so thus the fact that judy liked him over skinny fred was funny.
 

This is what the movie kevin looks like.

…What the fuck. You can’t even get the damn characters right?!

Hell, Cartoon Networks MAD did a Fred spoof…which had Kevin fat! Why is a spoof making fun of Fred more faithful?!

Fred then informs us about his life, and yada yada. He continues to be an ungodly annoyance. He tells us that his Friday sucked cuz he was bullied…oh and judy defends him. So she’s okay with him. In the show she hated him and thought he was  a stalker.
 

Uggggggggggggh.

We also get an imagine spot in which fred has kevin arrested for singing bad to judy (that’s the joke, so I’ll forgive that, as stupid as it is). We see kevin being carted away as he keeps singing to judy and …damn he seems sympathetic. Yeah he’s a douche…but in this scene I feel bad.

WTF movie.

We then meet Fred’s friend, bertha.  Played by Jennette McCurdy. Yes, sam from icarly. In that, she was alright. Here...she's not. End of story.

Anyway, we cut to Fred missing his dad, and pretending to talk to him. Fred then imagines his dad up for supported. Said dad is played…by john cena.

Wait, that can’t be right. Let me check again.

*checks*

HOLY SHIT IT IS HIM

…

Okay.

We also get another imagine spot with them singing some stupid song.. 10 minutes in and we have no plot outside of what we know in the show. Yay.

Fred heads to judy’s house, but runs into Kevin. I’ll admit, kevin is the best part so far. Not really enjoyable, but I can see why he fucking hates fred.
 

Fred runs like a pussy kevin when says “This is my cul-de-sac”. Wait, we have a bully named kevin who picks on a kid..in a cul de- sac.
 

Never seen that before.

We then meet his mom, which is the only part faithful to the show. She’s lazy, and seems to dislike fred. Another character I can root for! …But she less than a minute later, she goes to bed.
 

Fred talks to John cena again, who tells him to just go after judy instead of being a pussy.  Fred decides to go to judy’s house through the backdoor.
 

“I’ve never seen judy’s backdoor, but I bet it’s really nice”

…ew?

The movie then stops to have fred try several zany scemes to get over a wall which blocks their two houses…for whatever reason.
 

Uh, hey fred. There’s this  new thing, it’s called WALKING AROUND THE FUCKING WALL.

Fred digs a hole…and somehow ends up in china. Lame.

So fred uses a comic book ad to buy an invisibility coat…..which leads to another sadistic imagine spot that makes me like kevin even though the movie wants us to hate him.

It doesn’t work and thus he tries another disguise. Uh, does this movie have a plot? This would work fine as a TV show episode but not a fucking movie!

He finally makes it to her house,  past kevin…and sees that she’s not in but, Asian  people are instead.
 

“Asian people kidnapped judy!”

Racism ftw!

“Who should I call?”

…Ghostbusters. No seriously call ghostbusters. PLEASE,.

Turns out she moved…without telling anyone. That makes sense. His mom knew and didn’t tell him cuz she didn’t know he’d be upset. Whatever. Fred has a annoying tantrum, as expected. Seriously, my ears hurt.

In the middle of the  night, he imagines john cena taking him from his home to tell him some stuff.
 

“Judy’s been kidnapped…by kidnappers”

Who wrote this, lady Redundant Women?

John shows him a transmission…which at first is a…dora the explorer episode.
 

John cena looked at this scene in the script. John cena acted this scene. John cena was paid for it. John cena didn’t question it.

He wakes up the next day and decides to go rescue judy. Fred looks up her new house online, and zooms in on the pic to see if he can see her….and sees a guy taking a shit on a  toilet, implying he is naked with a book covering his dick.

Which is weird cuz crabs don’t HAVE uvula’s.

.Fred then decides to go take the bus to her house. How exciting. Fred runs into kevin, who has a cast on his arm.
 

“I bet god pushed them down because he hates you way you sing”

…

Racist jokes and religion jokes. Having fun yet kids?

After that, Fred gets on the bus…the wrong bus. Then he goes to rock bottom and has a big adventure. Wait…..He then meets a cool guy named Derf. Gee that’s so not Fred backwards.

Derf is clearly annoyed by fred and we have another character we feel bad for despite the film not wanting us to.  Classy.

He gets off and ends up on the beach and runs into bertha again.  Oh and he’s wearing a coat and she comments that he’s not wearing a bathing suit.
 

“Too much sex appeal”

…

Did i mention that the writer of this movie used to work on Family Guy?

BERTHA: some kid pooped in the pool.

Oh hey I was wondering where the shit jokes were! She then buries his head in the sand. Then vultures eat him!

Pfft, I wish,.
 

Then we see an imagine spot with kevin rescuing judy from drowning. It’s pointless. He then..just gets out of  the sand, and heads off.

The scene makes no sense, has nothing to with the plot, and is never brought up again. I won’t even say it.

Fred then gets naked and goes to the laundry mat…then leaves. This movie is nothing but pointless scenes that have no reason to exist!

Fred then just cleans himself off In a car wash..Then there’s a random music video with him and judy…

This is just a pointless fucking movie.

I can’t even find much to make fun of! It’s just stupid and pointless! I can’t say much beyond what happens and that it’s stupid!

How can you make fun of something that clearly shows off it’s bad-ness, in a bad way?!

I can’t really figure out what happens next, but fred like goes into  a pet store and like tries to  take a dog, which does not please the owner.
 

“Oh my god, he’s a gangbanger!”

…

WHAT THE FU-

*WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES*

Okay I’m ba-WHAT THE FLYING FU-
 

*BEEEEP*

Okay, I’m fine, I’m cool . I was just a bit peeved that film for kids said the phrase gang-FUCK THIS MOVIE I’LL KILL YOU ALL.

…sorry about that.

Then fred leaves and just goes on. Fred then runs into a dam

“Dam!”

“Hey watch that cussing”
 

…ugh.

He asks the damn guy where to get to the bus and says it’s past the woods, which fred is scared of. He mocks the fuck out of fred and tells him to man  up. So Fred heads into the woods and finds…a talking….deer.

Wut.

Then the deer leaves  and Fred runs out of the woods. Do I even need to say how FUCKING POINTLESS THAT WAS?!

Fred camps out at the bust stop…and runs into Derf again.They talk. Fred gets on the bus, and the bus leaves. Whatever, this movie’s got like 20 minutes left, let’s just continue.

He makes it to judy’s house, and we find out she hates her new house, and she has a hot fanservice outfit to boot!

They kiss and then- ...It turns out to be a dream.
 

FUCK YOU.

Fred arrives at her house for REAL where judy is having a party. Kevin is there, and mocks him, and judy says he should leave.
 

Everyone starts mocking the fuck out of him, and fred starts mocking judy for not being judy or whatever the movie’s almost done.

Then fred barfs all over the place. K whatever.

Fred heads home, depressed and stuff. At this point the movie shuts up and no one talks for like a solid minute.
 

Ah, peace. I haven’t felt like in a long time…

Fred….then screams about how bad that was.…fuck this movie.

Fred then goes on youtube (PRODUCT PLACEMENT FTW) and sees a video kevin made of the party. This movie is so outdated now that youtube changed the bar thingy.

“Why do people even watch other people on youtube? It’s weird, it’s creepy!”
 

….then why are you talking to the camera to MAKE a  video for people to-

Fuck it.

Fred says he shall have a party…and invite no one. He heads to kevin’s house, and asks kevin’s mom to get kevin.
 

KEVIN: Mom, I’m in the crapper!

…ugh.
 

“I met your father at a party”

“Mom, that’s disgusting”
 

…crap joke, then a sex joke.

I…have no words anymore.

Fred starts handing out dis-invations, and upon learning bertha was not invited to judy’s party, he invites bertha to HIS party…and that scene had more romance than any fred/judy scene.
 

Just sayin'

Fred throws the party and  there is a  awful stupid lame scene. Fred films it and debates if he should send the video in a annoying scene, but sends it anyway.

We see the final video and it’s stupid. Oh and the way it’s filmed is in a way that seems to imply fred wanted them to think he was…doing stuff with bertha, judging by all the…interesting shots.

This movie is not for kids. It’s for the mentally challegned...and even then i doubt they would like it.

He makes the party look like it was insane and huge and tons of people showed up, and yada yada. Then we see people talking good about fred and his “party” and stuff like that. Fred is talking to his mom and he shows the same pic of the guy crapping. Oh joy that gag’s back.
 

Did i mention the "actor" "playing" the guy in the pic is the director of this movie? Hey, the making of the movie pictures belong on the special features!

Turns out mom knows him and she dated him 15 years ago…and Fred is 15.
 

Oh my god. It all makes sense now…

MOM FUCKED JUDY’S DAD AND JUDY/FRED IS INCEST!

Actually, it’s implied fred’s dad is whoever lived at judy’s house before.  So fred’s dad is actually not john cena…
 

Wait, in the show fred’s dad was in the state penn, yet here he’s…not. Just missing.

Ugh.

The movie attempts to have a heartwarming scene where judy apologizes  to fred. Again, trashing the web show and all it set up. Judy asks fred to let him in so they can sing together (fred’s goal the entire movie), and after yelling annoyingly, fred accepts.
 

And finally, the film ends.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Final Thoughts:

Disaster Movie was really bad.

Son of the mask was awful.
 

Fred the Movie is ONE OF THE BIGGEST PIECES OF SHIT EVER SEEN.

This movie is so fucking awful. While watching I was annoyed by literally every single thing that happened. I cannot say one good thing about this movie that the filmmakers wanted to make good.  Even with the fucking last airbender, I could praise the effects.
 

Okay, Cena’s parts were CLOSE to funny, but only close, as they quickly became loud, stupid, and annoying.

A lot of the bad movise I’ve seen have a reason to exist. The ideas were good. A sequel to the mask was a good idea. A movie of Avatar was a good idea.
 

A movie of fred was NOT a good idea!

Fred cannot work as a movie at all. This movie is a huge discrace. It has little to do with the show, it changes shit for no reason, and this movie is retconned by all fred videos that came after it!

The characters are boring,  annoying, and stupid, there is no fucking plot, and it’s padded to the max. It’s not funny, fred is a piss stain, and nothing cool is in it!

Unlike other bad films I’ve seen, they have a reason, I  can see the makers may be proud of them. But I can’t see why anyone working on this liked it!
 

It’s offensive at how bad it is. There’s racist jokes, sex jokes, shit jokes, and it’s bad for kids too! Kids can be smart and they deserve much better than this filth.

Fred is simply a sellout thanks to this.

Overall, it’s annoying, stupid, and pointless.

GRADE: F

At least we’ll never see him again…

…

I hate humanity.

(If you'd like to see another guy review this check This video out